It seems like men have simply lost the plot.
Somehow, dating has become a woman’s job. There is so much information out there about how women should behave to attract a man: what to do when he is avoidant, how to respond to love bombing, how to deal with gaslighting, how to communicate with an emotionally unavailable man, how to make him commit, and on and on.
But at some point, we have to ask: Why is so much of the responsibility for navigating a man’s behavior being placed on the woman?
It is not our responsibility to act as a therapist for a man we barely know. It is not our responsibility to decode mixed signals, convince someone to be emotionally available, or teach someone how to communicate.
Charles Marion Russell by Will Rogers
Dating is an important choice. Who we marry and who we spend our time with matters, especially when we have a choice about who we give our energy and time to.
And trust me, not all men are like this. But as someone who has been dating and doing the work, I have seen enough of a pattern to recognize when a man simply isn’t ready.
It isn’t my responsibility to fix that. But maybe it is worth setting a few ground rules for men, because I actually think the dating conversation needs to include more responsibility on their side, too.
Because dating works both ways.
We all bring something to the relationships we create. We tend to tolerate what we are willing to tolerate, and the more we know ourselves, the better equipped we are to recognize what is and isn’t aligned with us.
This may be too woo-woo for some people, but I believe people often act as mirrors. Not because we somehow deserve every person who enters our lives, but because our standards, boundaries, and self-worth influence what we accept and what we walk away from.
And this is where I think the conversation needs to shift.
There is so much pressure on women to learn how to navigate men. But men also need guidelines for how to date women.
We are in an era where, for many women, a man is no longer necessary for financial survival or security in the way he may have been for previous generations. Women have more economic and social independence than ever before.
That changes dating.
We are increasingly dating based on character, compatibility, connection, and the quality of the experience we create together.
Mona Lisa a los trece años by Fernando Botero
My credo is:
“Do I choose this experience for me?”
This goes beyond dating, but it applies so easily here.
Does this experience work for me?
Do I like who I am when I’m in this relationship?
Does this person add something meaningful to my life?
Am I able to show up for this person based on what they are showing me (Actions)?
If the answer is no, that is your answer.
Because ultimately, dating is a choice.
Rick James by Bobby Holland
So, men, here are my five rules:
1. Lead with intention.
Put some intention behind your actions.
Even if you don’t know where this is going to lead, at least go into it as a gentleman.
A relationship is based, in part, on how a man leads. Set up a time and a place to meet and make it thoughtful.
“Wyd?”
“Let’s link.”
“When are you free?”
Isn’t courting.
Giving a time and a place and seeing if it works for her is.
And please, be intentional. There are men out there who are, and you look foolish comparatively.
This doesn’t mean you need to plan some elaborate, expensive date. It means you put thought into it. You considered the other person. You made an effort.
That matters.
2. Be honest.
The truth hurts, I know, but it also sets you free.
If you know you are not looking for anything serious, lead with that. Give the woman an opportunity to decide whether she chooses that experience.
You don’t need to love bomb. You don’t need to future fake. You don’t need to say whatever you think will keep her around.
Just be real.
If you’re looking for something casual, say that.
If you’re unsure what you want, say that.
If you’re looking for a relationship, say that.
Let another person make an informed decision about whether they want the same thing.
Honesty isn’t just about being a good person. It gives the other person their agency back.
3. Follow through.
I understand men want to feel desired, as they should. Women do too.
But if you like a woman after the first date, follow up. Keep the connection alive.
Getting to know someone takes time.
You don’t need to text every second of the day or manufacture constant excitement. But if you are interested, act interested.
Follow through on what you say you’re going to do.
Make the next plan.
Show consistency.
Interest without follow-through isn’t much of an experience to build on.
4. Once you know, be honest.
Let’s say you have been intentional and you realize you no longer like the person.
Don’t stay just for sex.
Don’t keep someone around because you like the attention.
Don’t continue dating someone because it’s convenient when you already know you don’t see a future with them.
Be honest.
You are allowed to change your mind. So is she.
The goal isn’t to make sure nobody ever gets hurt. Dating involves vulnerability, and sometimes people will be disappointed.
The goal is to not knowingly keep someone in a situation that you have already decided you don’t want.
5. Be someone worth dating.
This one is probably the most important.
A lot of the time, we date people who reflect the level of person we are prepared to be and the standards we are prepared to uphold.
So know who you are.
And then be that person.
If you want to attract a woman who is emotionally available, ask yourself if you are emotionally available.
If you want honesty, are you honest?
If you want loyalty, are you loyal?
If you want a woman who has done the work on herself, have you done the work on yourself?
If you want a healthy relationship, are you capable of participating in one?
This isn’t about saying that if you’ve dated the wrong person, you somehow weren’t good enough. Good people meet the wrong people all the time.
It is about something different:
Your standards for a partner should be matched by your standards for yourself.
You cannot spend all your time asking, “Where are all the good women?” without asking, “Am I a good man for the kind of woman I want?”
Know who you are.
Become the person you would want to date.
And then be that person.
Because the goal isn’t just to attract a good partner.
The goal is to be a good partner.
Be someone worth dating.